The way things used to be, buying lingerie for your lady meant a ghastly trip to the department store where derisive stares made you feel like a deviant in the grips of a perverse panty fetish. This humiliation was the impetus for a guy-friendly place where getting your lady something sexy was met with encouragement, not a raised eyebrow. This is the place we call Victoria’s Secret.
Although intimately associated with its sexy lingerie, today the retailer actually sells a wide range of women’s wear and beauty supplies. It has 1,003 stores in operation, and each year it puts 400 million copies of its famed catalog through the mail. In 2006, sales reached the $5-billion mark, and its parent company, Limited Brands, hopes to double that figure by 2010 (we’re rooting for them; when Victoria’s Secret wins, we all win).
1- Its founder jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge
Tired of the humiliation involved in trying to buy lingerie, Roy Raymund created Victoria’s Secret in 1977 by putting the first store at the Stanford Shopping Center in Palo Alto, California. After opening a few other stores and launching the mail-order catalog, Raymond sold the company to Limited Brands in 1982 for a sizable paycheck.By 1993, Limited made Victoria’s Secret a nationally recognized brand, while Raymond’s most recent business venture had ended in bankruptcy. He was last seen alive walking toward the Golden Gate Bridge, and shortly thereafter his body washed up on the shores of Marin County. Investigators concluded he’d committed suicide by leaping off the bridge.
2- It is named after a notorious prude
So who is Victoria? Since the first stores were designed to resemble Victorian boudoirs, the company’s namesake is England’s long-reigning 19th-century monarch, Queen Victoria. She and husband Prince Albert played “hide the scepter” enough times to produce nine children before his unexpected death in 1861 threw her into a state of profound mourning that lasted until her own death 40 years later.Despite this climate, fashions of the day included the corset, a sexually charged garment that embellished a woman’s curves above and below the waist. So what, then, was the Queen’s secret? Was she a royal horndog? Did she love a carriage quickie? Was the prim former princess a party-girl, always shouting for Prince Albert to get out of the can and into her Very Sexy chiffon bloomers? We’ll never know. I suppose that’s why it’s a secret.
3- It regularly denies celebrity requests to model
The Angels are not a desperate bunch, however. In fact, they are products of an intense and extensive program designed to make each of them media-savvy celebrities. But that isn’t the only reason this commercial icon with a fresh star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame does not take requests. Another reason is Modeling 101: While the seraphic beauties in Angel garb typically stand around 5’ 9” or so, most Hollywood celebs fall more than a couple inches short, even if standing in a pair of Miss Sixty Side Button boots.
4- Its Angels are chosen based on their appeal to women, not men
Women make up the majority of the company’s executives -- they represent two-thirds of those tuning in to their fashion shows, and they account for a whopping 98% of the company’s customer base. This is their audience, plain and simple. It’s no coincidence that two of the most high-profile Angels in its short history are women other women don’t, as a rule, dislike: Tyra Banks and Heidi Klum. Both are charming and down-to-earth models who aren’t bitchy about their beauty (perhaps this is why Naomi Campbell has never, in any sense of the term, been an Angel).
We men aren’t entirely disregarded, but according to Ed Razek, Victoria’s Secret doesn’t “do salacious shots that women would not like.” It should be easy to tell if this paradigm ever changes: Future fashion shows will be on pay-per-view and many of us will recognize a few of the models from online porn.
5- It provokes numerous FCC complaints every year
Now in its seventh year, the televised Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show enjoys a devoted fan base, but its most dutiful viewers can probably be found among a loose confederacy of conservative tight-asses. Operating under such vague catch-all names as the American Family Association, these groups annually flood the FCC with complaints about how the show is indecent or obscene.In determining what is obscene, the FCC juggles three statutes: Title 18 of the U.S . Code (Section 1464, concerning what goes over the air-waves), obscenity as defined by the U.S. Supreme Court (written to cover hardcore pornography) and basic First Amendment rights. As a result, it places more restrictive standards on TV shows that run between 6 p.m. and 10 p.m.
This year’s fashion show was broadcast at 10 p.m. on both coasts, but at 9 p.m. in the central and mountain time zones. The Parents Television Council (PTC) reacted strongly, saying that families in these times zones “had to scramble to find their remote to keep their children from accidentally stumbling across this televised peep show.” (The PTC’s credibility regarding this frantic scenario is suspect; once, they freaked out about some “briefly depicted buttocks” on the cartoon King of the Hill.)
As a group, women do a really good job of hiding our less attractive qualities. We cover up our imperfections with makeup, we squeeze our “winter weight” into some Spanx, and we make our friends take our phones away so the guy we’re crushing on doesn’t know how crazy we really are.
And that is only scratching the surface.
Because men look at us like pretty, little, delicate flowers, there are so many things about women that most guys just do not know. Things that most women would be horrified to share and most men would be even more disgusted to know. But you know what? I don’t care. Women are people, too, and if guys can walk around scratching their balls, then we should be able to lay it all out there, too.
So in an effort to bridge the gap between the boys and the girls, I thought I’d let some dudes in on a few secrets we ladies have been keeping for.e.verrrr.
1. We fart. And sometimes, it’s loud. And if we’re trying to eat really healthy, it’s smelly.
2. We poop. We may even bring magazines or a laptop in there to pass the time. And if we’re really comfortable with someone, we’ll catch up on the phone. But always with a warning. We may be good at multitasking, but we aren’t inconsiderate a-holes.
3. We talk about farts and poop. And we laugh, because farts and poop are funny.
4. We don’t shower every day. We may argue that it’s bad for our skin or our hair looks better greasy, but sometimes we just don’t feel like showering. So we put on some deodorant and a few extra sprays of perfume and call it a day.
5. We like porn, too. Some of us like it more than others, and we probably don’t spend as much time watching it as dudes, but even ladies like watching a little nookie sometimes. Especially nookie involving a hot guy with chiseled abs, a tight butt and a rock hard glistening chest….
Oh, sorry. Got a little sidetracked there for a moment.
6. We can probably eat more than guys. Some ladies may stick to salads or half-portions of pasta when the guys are around, but bring us a cheese pizza and we can down that thing like it’s nobody’s business. And then we’ll follow it up with something chocolatey. Or fried. And not even break a sweat.
There you have it. All our secrets, right there on the table.
I feel so….free.
